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The Rutgers Graduation Speech I'd Give.

Good day. I'd like to begin this speech with the three words dearest to the ears of Graduation participants everywhere: "I'll be brief."

In mere minutes, you will receive a frilly piece of paper, which will enable you to go out into the world and be unemployed with authority. Most of you will receive these pieces of paper in recognition of studies in history and anthropology, and other things nobody cares about.

You have been given these skills, in order to change the world. I want you to bear in mind, however, that even if it was in your meager powers to change the world in some way, five will get you ten that that change will not be an improvement, no matter how reasonable it seems.

If you are a woman, remember that, while equality of the sexes may well be an inevitability, it will not happen while you live. If you are a man, remember that for 99 out of 100 of you, your first blowjob was the high point of your life. If you haven't received a blowjob yet, then consider this the highpoint of your life. Either way, it's all downhill from here.

I'm getting paid to said this. Looking out at you, I see hundreds of slack-jawed little zit-poppers. Your deaths will come as a mercy and a blessing, both to you and those around you.

Thank you.

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