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Musings on the New York Times

In the interest of keeping everyone abreast of what is going on in the world, and what you should be thinking about it, I, presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party, will comment on today's New York Times Headlines.

There are no headlines on O.J. This is disappointing. I mean, this whole trial fixation, to me, is a simple manifestation of our need to have gory, unpleasant, suspenseful things to watch from a safe distance. Soon, the other shoe will drop, and we will have Roman-style gladitorial combat, the was Jesus intended. O.J. would make (or is making) a great contestant.

"G.O.P Seeks Shift In Child Welfare" - Of course, they do, but in the standard, namby-pamby bleeding heart liberal way. I say Child Welfare should be simple. You get poor? We force you to have a child. That'll SHOW EM!

"The New Rules on Gay Soldiers: A Year Later, No Clear Results" What I want to know, is how you can be a soldier and NOT be gay. I mean, you're in a submarine for MONTHS at a time, lying in a bunk and hearing, nay SENSING the pert, well-muscled buttocks of your bunkmate in the bunk above you pressing down at you through the mattress, and you haven't had sex for what, 3 years, and you're don't want to have sex with him?

Yeah, right. I say, in such situations, not being queer is very queer. I'm not sure yet exactly how to turn this into law, but when I do, it'll be VERY INTERESTING.

"Argentine Tells of Dumping 'Dirty War' Captives Into Sea" - Apparently, in some war they had down there, they were taking people, doping them up, flying them over the water, and kicking them out of the plane. I just can't put into words how neat this is.

"Top Fed Officials Not Enthusiastic For Higher Rates" - Yeah, sure. This Greenspan guy gets an itch on his ass, and we all go nuts scratching. He has a little bad dream, and we wake up screaming. I say we beat him to death with a lead pipe, fix interest rates at %40, and watch the economy go straight to hell, laughing like maniacs all the way.

So there you have it. Absolutely nothing interesting is happening. Now go to bed complacently, like the worms you are.

Scorched Earth Party -

"Seeing the world through blood-colored glasses."

- Jeff Vogel Scorched Earth Party

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