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In celebration of the newly created Scorched Earth Party Web Page (soon the be advertised widely), I am creating this primer for little children everywhere, so that they may be free. You will have to imagine the illustrations yourself.

Happiness is a Lead Pipe

by Jeff Vogel

Happiness is getting the clot in your leg, not in your brain.

Happiness is finding out it was only syphillis.

Happiness is purging the people who were loyal to you, just for fun.

Happiness is Chris Farley, carved like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

Happiness is a nymphomaniac lobbyist.

Happiness is when the blood of the unbeliever splatters everywhere, yet doesn't land on your wool jacket.

Happiness is a canister of nerve gas, a large satchel, and a good running start.

Happiness is a hug.

Happiness is a hug, delivered in a firm, unyielding way, lingering for just a bit too long, in order to communicate the message "I own you."

Happiness is a hug, delivered in a firm, forceful way, snapping the spine just halfway up, in order to communicate the message "You mildly irritated me."

Happiness is fear and ignorance. Just trust me on this one.

Happiness is the crotch rot coming under control.

Happiness is that charming little creaking noise the rack makes during the first turn.

Happiness is the skin peeling off in large, satisfying sheets.

Happiness is bouncing the rubble.

Happiness is keeping the shelter door cracked open a little bit, just to keep things interesting.

Happiness is a lead pipe.

Scorched Earth Party -

"Because love is my bottom line."

- Jeff Vogel Scorched Earth Party

Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.

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Contents of these pages are Copyright Jeff Vogel, 1994-2004, All Rights Reserved. is sponsored by Spiderweb Software, makers of fine fantasy games for Windows and Macintosh.

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